Your Rights and Self Responsibility As A Human Being

“Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.

---Alan Alda

How we respond to others and ourselves is what we need to be mindful of.  How you respond to situation like these dictate how well you are doing with your very own self-expression.

·        A co-worker and you have differing opinions

·        A family member talks bad about you

·        Someone yells at you

·        Your  friend or significant other tells you that you are doing something wrong

Life isn’t about getting your own way.  It is understanding yourself and being more assertive.  It isn’t about yelling and screaming to get the upper-hand.  It is not about being aggressive or hitting back or anything like that.  It is about your composure and your ability to think before you jump off the handle.  Oh yes this is very hard to learn.  Step back and take a long deep breath before you react.  Find out what you are doing that will aggravate the situation.    Many times just telling them that you understand will calm the situation down.  Getting angry is never good when dealing with yourself or others.  Being fair does not mean manipulating others or getting your own way.

Between People, as among nations, respect of each other’s rights insures the peace.

-------Benito Juarez

Boy do we need this in today’s society and lots more of it.  People just do not respect others cultures, laws, religions, or beliefs.  These things are rampant.  You can read about it all over the news and on the internet. 

What does it all really mean?  The people are feeling helpless in a world full of helpful things and people and organizations.  It is up to each individual to be assertive in their rights.  This does not mean being manipulative or aggressive.

Beings self-confident in owns own self and respecting others as you want them to respect you is the beginning. 

How do you cope with others who push you around?  Are you giving them the right to do so by your actions?  Think about what you are adding to the situation and what you are expecting in return and what you want to expect in return.

Personal, Social and World Equality

In The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/  they contain all the articles and a preamble of what human rights are.  Ha!  The leader of every nation should review this over and over and over again, not only national leaders but that of religions and every single human being on this planet earth.  These should be taught in all schools from first grade to graduation.  I think this would be a much better place to live in if everyone respected each other’s human rights.

Some of the very basic ones are that no one is better than anyone else in this world. 

·        White are not better than blacks

·        Children are not better than their parents and vice versa

·        Physicians are not better than plumbers

·        Religious leaders are not better than any other religious leader

·        Teachers are not better than students and vice versa

·        Winner are not better than loser

·        Men are not better than women

·        Women are not better than men

·        Clergy are better than their parishioners

Those who think they are better than another have major self-expression issues.  Can you say that you are better than anyone else?  What does that mean to you and how do you think that affects those whom you put down?  We are all equal.  We were all born innocent.  When you respect others you will receive respect back.

Where Are You In Your Thinking

Where I was born and where and how I have lived is unimportant.  It is what I have done with where and how I have been that should be of interest.

-----------Georgia O’Keeffe

Where have you been in your childhood and what have you learned from it? 

·        Do you blame your current circumstances on those things? 

·        Do you thing about how you reacted and how that set the stage for your current relationships?

·        Does growing up poor really matter to what you have done so far in your life?

All the things and lessons learned while growing up can have a dramatic affect to your own being.  There comes a time when you must stop blaming your current relationships and circumstances on what you learned while growing up.  It is called Grow Up!  From a certain age and I believe it is at the young age of 12 years old, we are brought into the stage of reasoning and that we know right from wrong.  Using how your were treated as some sort of revenge or excuse as to what actions you took and take now is not a good idea.  When in the middle teens up until you are about 30 your brain is growing a new brain.  Yep, that sounds funny doesn’t it, but it is true.

How are you living today?  Are you blaming how your parents taught you or your troubled past on you current and future events?  Are you ready to learn how to be more self-responsible for the actions that you are doing?

Mixed Messages Of Genders

In today’s society as in older ones still the sexes are taught mixed message throughout their childhood.  Most parents and religions and the media are at fault of this and they all contribute the confusion as the child enters the teens and into their twenties.  Some go further than that even.

Males are taught that strength, lack of emotions, control and inflexibility are the values they should hold.  Religion and generational values are still taught that this is the way a man should be.  In many societies today men are taught that the man is the breadwinner while the wife stays home and raises the children and is housekeeper.  This is mixed in the daily media of today’s youth. 

Today a male role would be the opposite of what it was yesteryear.  They are now exp0ected to be expressive, open, involved, gentle equal and kind.   On the media such as TV, commercials they are expected to be muscular and confident and to some extent arrogant.  What a difference!  What a ball of confusion!

Women on the other hand were supposed to be the weaker sex, be passive, silent and suffer in that silence, give in and doing your duty (in the bedroom). 

Today’s women are expected to be equal, compassionate, be able to initiate feelings and thoughts, be an active participant, be honest and have confidence.  That is all good but then you have the media that tells women that they should be provocative, push men around and be aggressive in relationships and the like.  Again, just like the males there is lots of confusion running amok.

More and more women are getting their voices back and are speaking up for themselves.  That is a good thing to happen.  They were put under the glass and were pushed into submission by those males who thought that women should just be objects of desire and owned.  When we say equality, it isn’t that women need jobs just like men or that women are to go to war like men.  It is a more important role than that.  It is treating everyone with the same respect as you give yourself.  Without self-respect, there will be no equality.

We must stop giving all the mixed messages and be straight forward with our youth.  Then and only then will be truly have our perfect rights restored.

The 10  Laws of Assertiveness

These are ten laws to be an assertive person.  They are not to be regarded as manipulative or aggressive or selfish behaviors.

1.      Use your own Self-Expression

2.      Respect the right of others and yourself

3.      Be honest in your thoughts, actions and re-actions

4.      Be direct and firm.  This does not mean yell and scream and have a temper tantrum or get your own way. Do NOT call people names.

5.      Equalize the relationship by understanding that neither you nor they are better than you.

6.      When being verbal (communicating) stick to the subject matter of the disagreement.

7.      Watch your body language (do you have a fist made or are you not looking them in the eye and is your eyes shifty?

8.      Keep the conversation on a level that both of you can understand.  For instance:  do not use big words if the other person is not able or at that level of understanding.

9.      Do not take your disagreements into a public place.  That will only tend to embarrass you and then and will never have a good outcome.

10.   Nature verses nurture.  Are you using the tactics that you learned as a child or are you using the grown up ones that you are learning now?

Now you can understand what it is like to be an assertive person verses an aggressive or passive person.  Remember these as you go through life.

Three Behavior Styles.

“….There are three possible approaches to the conduct of interpersonal relations.  The first is to consider one’s self only and ride roughshod over others…The second is always to put others before one’s self.  The third approach is the golden mean…The individual places himself first, but takes others into account.”

-----------Joseph Wolpe

I constantly see people doing all these and most of them are doing it the wrong way.  The third approach is definitely the best way.  Just be respectful of them and where they are in the scheme of things.  

Follow the 10 Laws of Assertiveness

A good example of this would be that two people went to a restaurant and one of them ordered something from the menu.  Well when the dish came it was not what he ordered.  He said nothing but complained to his dinner mate and ate it anyway.  This is a Nonassertive approach.

The aggressive behavior is that the person makes an embarrassing scene and let’s everyone know how unhappy they are with the waiter/waitresses service.  The person calls them names and while doing all this they also raise their voice.  The dinner partner and the other customers feel embarrassed about the whole episode.

The correct way and the assertive way would be to make a motion to the water/waitress to come to the table.  When they come to the table they should quietly tell the waitress/waiter that they did not order that dish and that they would like the dish that they did order.

What Is Body Language and What Does It Have To Do With Assertive Behavior

Not many people are aware of their body language and what they are conveying to the other person in a relationship.  First let us get it right what constitutes a relationship.  It can be a parent and/or a child and you, a co-worker and you, a preacher and you, your boss and you, anyone that you are in contact with or have a conversation with can be a relationship.  It can also be someone like a telemarketer and you.  The minute that someone else is in your view or listening area that is when a relationship starts.

·        Eye Contact, look the other person in the eye as you talk

·        Body Posture, Rigid and tight are not what you want to display

·        Personal Space/Physical, Contact  How far do they stand from you and how far do you want to be from them

·        Hand Movements.  Do hand movement bother you or do they seem to bother the other person.

·        Facial Expressions, This is a big one because most of us do not realize that we have or are making facial expressions.

·        Tone of Voice, This can also be used on the internet.

·        Flow of words and conversation. Be smooth and flowing with your speech.  Stuttering and or inconsistency in your flow of words and thoughts can tell the other person that you are not confident and give them a change to override you

·        Timing,  Right then is perfect, but you can go back when you have your thoughts better formulated later

·        Listening.  Actively listening to their side without interruption is a good thing to do.

·        Attitudes of Thought,  Remember how you are thinking and how you are thinking

·        Forthright. Tell it straight up how you are feeling.

Practice looking in the mirror at seeing what kinds of facial expressions that you are showing.  Practice thinking positively.  THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS. 

Growing Into The Assertive Person Through Experiences

Un-learning and re-learning is utmost import for self and growing into a responsible adult.  Most of us have been taught things that are not positive or that have become obsolete due to our ever changing world.  Experiences and people and our very being have changed as we have progressed in our lives.  Up to this point we may have been doing things just because we were told to do them as we were children.  Here is a simple list to start you growing in new ways and to foster more assertive behavior.

When was the last time that you

1.      Played in a new sport or game with others

2.      Allowed for a different view of your beliefs; political or religious or other

3.      Started a new hobby

4.      Researched another culture different from yours

5.      Paid attention to your thoughts for 15 or more minutes

6.      Cooked a new dish or went to an eatery with a different food than your own

7.      Sat and watched nature do her thing or watched the sun set or rise

8.      Walked down a main street in a different town

When was the last time that you

·        Allowed yourself freedom to do what you want in that moment

·        Listened to the voices in your head

·        Impulse buying an item

How recently have you

·        Trusted you gut instinct even if everyone else tells you that you are wrong

·        Tried different approaches to old problems

·        Expressed your opinions to others in a straight up manner

·        Used your brain to think things and situations through

·        Told others what religious belief you have

·        Designed or made something totally on your own

·        Admitted that you were/are wrong

These are some very good ways to get you to be more assertive and with the other links in this series you will know the difference between Assertive and Respect and Aggression and loss of respect.

What are you going to do now that you have this list?

Peace

“Peace cannot be kept by force.  It can only be achieved by understanding ---Albert Einstein

Everyone has a different idea as to what peace should be.  What most do not understand is, just like Einstein says, it cannot be brought by force.  It also has to come from within you.  Attitudes are actions but to change those attitudes you have to change your thoughts.  Be more positive in your thoughts and you will begin to see that others will change their attitudes towards you.  Everything that happens to you happens within your thoughts.  Be careful what thoughts that you think.  Be careful and mindful what emotions that you put behind those thoughts.  Practice, practice, practice.  Your thought may wander into places you do not want them to go.  It is a cycle.  Change the cycle.  The longer that you have been thinking low of yourself or that you are not good enough the harder it will be to change, but do not fear.  You can change the cycle and make it positive.  Practice changing your thoughts to more positive ones. People who have acted in negative ways for a long time tend to think less of themself.  They have abusive tendencies and have low self-esteem.  This self-defeating behavior leads to negative feedback from others and then they become too self-critical and the cycle starts all over again.  You must break that cycle and get off the merry-go-round.  Turning your thoughts into positive ones will bring positive feedback from others and then you have a better attitude towards yourself which brings you a better idea of your self-worth.  Then the peace can begin, within and without.

Keep practicing the positive thoughts about yourself.

The Straight Up About Anger

Everyone has anger at some point in their lives.  Most believe that it is a behavior and some other things. 

Here are the facts about Anger:

Anger has many physiological parts.  Anger is a feeling.  Anger is universal in the human species. Anger can cause heart disease and other coronary diseases if not allowed to express it.  Venting anger is very important because it helps to resolve issues.  The method of expressing anger is very important.  Aggression only brings more aggression and does not lead to any resolution of the issue.  Anger is mostly hurled at the ones we are the closest to hence the quote, “We always hurt the ones we love”.

Here are some myths associated with anger:

Hitting pillows or bashing objects releases anger and therefore deals with your anger.  Men have more anger than women.  Some people never get angry.  Frustration causes anger.  An aggressive person is always an angry person.  Sports, working out violence, or competitive work does release anger.  Aggression is instinctual.  Anger is sinful and destructive. Anger and aggression are NOT the same things.

It is OK to let your anger out.  The clincher is that you must follow up with that anger and find a solution to your problem.  Running away is not an option. No one made you angry, but you. Learn coping skills.  See a counselor or talk it out with a trusted friend.

Some Coping Skills To Deal With Anger

In the previous post I talked about anger.  I gave you some facts and some myths.  Now I am going to list some of those coping skills so that you can begin to manage your anger.

1.      Get a diary book and write down your anger, what you were angry about and how you dealt with it.

2.      Make a contract with yourself.  Include in it promises and praises for your anger management

3.      Learn to ignore provocation.

4.      Know you own buttons, your own body language.  Become Aware of your own body and feelings.

5.      Use Bio-feedback to relax and become able to tune out your anger when you feel it arising in yourself.

6.      Focus on what you are doing before you got angry.

7.      Leave the situation.  Just walk away.

8.      See the humor in the situation.

9.      Find more positive ways to deal with probable volatile situations and people

10.   Be rational and do not listen to the myth that the world should be fair.

I hope these help you in finding new ways of dealing with old issues and anger management.