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Your Rights and Self Responsibility As A Human Being
“Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re
fair with you.
How we respond to others and ourselves is what we need to be
mindful of. How you respond to situation
like these dictate how well you are doing with your very own self-expression.
·A co-worker and you have differing opinions
·A family member talks bad about you
·Someone yells at you
friend or significant other tells you that you are doing something wrong
Life isn’t about getting your own way. It is understanding yourself and being more
assertive. It isn’t about yelling and
screaming to get the upper-hand. It is
not about being aggressive or hitting back or anything like that. It is about your composure and your ability
to think before you jump off the handle.
Oh yes this is very hard to learn.
Step back and take a long deep breath before you react. Find out what you are doing that will
aggravate the situation. Many times
just telling them that you understand will calm the situation down. Getting angry is never good when dealing with
yourself or others. Being fair does not
mean manipulating others or getting your own way.
Between People, as among nations, respect of each other’s
rights insures the peace.
Boy do we need this in today’s society and lots more of
it. People just do not respect others
cultures, laws, religions, or beliefs.
These things are rampant. You can
read about it all over the news and on the internet.
What does it all really mean? The people are feeling helpless in a world
full of helpful things and people and organizations. It is up to each individual to be assertive
in their rights. This does not mean
being manipulative or aggressive.
Beings self-confident in owns own self and respecting others
as you want them to respect you is the beginning.
How do you cope with others who push you around? Are you giving them the right to do so by
your actions? Think about what you are
adding to the situation and what you are expecting in return and what you want
to expect in return.
Personal, Social and World Equality
In The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/ they contain all the articles and a preamble
of what human rights are. Ha! The leader of every nation should review this
over and over and over again, not only national leaders but that of religions
and every single human being on this planet earth. These should be taught in all schools from
first grade to graduation. I think this
would be a much better place to live in if everyone respected each other’s
Some of the very basic ones are that no one is better than
anyone else in this world.
·White are not better than blacks
·Children are not better than their parents and
·Physicians are not better than plumbers
·Religious leaders are not better than any other
·Teachers are not better than students and vice
·Winner are not better than loser
·Men are not better than women
·Women are not better than men
·Clergy are better than their parishioners
Those who think they are better than another have major
self-expression issues. Can you say that
you are better than anyone else? What
does that mean to you and how do you think that affects those whom you put
down? We are all equal. We were all born innocent. When you respect others you will receive
Where Are You In Your Thinking
Where I was born and where and how I have lived is
unimportant. It is what I have done with
where and how I have been that should be of interest.
Where have you been in your childhood and what have you learned
·Do you blame your current circumstances on those
·Do you thing about how you reacted and how that
set the stage for your current relationships?
·Does growing up poor really matter to what you
have done so far in your life?
All the things and lessons learned while growing up can have
a dramatic affect to your own being.
There comes a time when you must stop blaming your current relationships
and circumstances on what you learned while growing up. It is called Grow Up! From a certain age and I believe it is at the
young age of 12 years old, we are brought into the stage of reasoning and that
we know right from wrong. Using how your
were treated as some sort of revenge or excuse as to what actions you took and
take now is not a good idea. When in the
middle teens up until you are about 30 your brain is growing a new brain. Yep, that sounds funny doesn’t it, but it is
How are you living today?
Are you blaming how your parents taught you or your troubled past on you
current and future events? Are you ready
to learn how to be more self-responsible for the actions that you are doing?
Mixed Messages Of Genders
In today’s society as in older ones still the sexes are
taught mixed message throughout their childhood. Most parents and religions and the media are
at fault of this and they all contribute the confusion as the child enters the
teens and into their twenties. Some go further
than that even.
Males are taught that strength, lack of emotions, control
and inflexibility are the values they should hold. Religion and generational values are still
taught that this is the way a man should be.
In many societies today men are taught that the man is the breadwinner
while the wife stays home and raises the children and is housekeeper. This is mixed in the daily media of today’s
Today a male role would be the opposite of what it was
yesteryear. They are now exp0ected to be
expressive, open, involved, gentle equal and kind. On the media such as TV, commercials they
are expected to be muscular and confident and to some extent arrogant. What a difference! What a ball of confusion!
Women on the other hand were supposed to be the weaker sex,
be passive, silent and suffer in that silence, give in and doing your duty (in
Today’s women are expected to be equal, compassionate, be
able to initiate feelings and thoughts, be an active participant, be honest and
have confidence. That is all good but
then you have the media that tells women that they should be provocative, push
men around and be aggressive in relationships and the like. Again, just like the males there is lots of
confusion running amok.
More and more women are getting their voices back and are
speaking up for themselves. That is a
good thing to happen. They were put
under the glass and were pushed into submission by those males who thought that
women should just be objects of desire and owned. When we say equality, it isn’t that women
need jobs just like men or that women are to go to war like men. It is a more important role than that. It is treating everyone with the same respect
as you give yourself. Without
self-respect, there will be no equality.
We must stop giving all the mixed messages and be straight
forward with our youth. Then and only
then will be truly have our perfect rights restored.
The 10 Laws of
These are ten laws to be an assertive person. They are not to be regarded as manipulative
or aggressive or selfish behaviors.
1.Use your own Self-Expression
2.Respect the right of others and yourself
3.Be honest in your thoughts, actions and
4.Be direct and firm. This does not mean yell and scream and have a
temper tantrum or get your own way. Do NOT call people names.
5.Equalize the relationship by understanding that
neither you nor they are better than you.
6.When being verbal (communicating) stick to the
subject matter of the disagreement.
7.Watch your body language (do you have a fist
made or are you not looking them in the eye and is your eyes shifty?
8.Keep the conversation on a level that both of
you can understand. For instance: do not use big words if the other person is
not able or at that level of understanding.
9.Do not take your disagreements into a public
place. That will only tend to embarrass
you and then and will never have a good outcome.
10.Nature verses nurture. Are you using the tactics that you learned as
a child or are you using the grown up ones that you are learning now?
Now you can understand what it is like to be an assertive
person verses an aggressive or passive person.
Remember these as you go through life.
Three Behavior Styles.
“….There are three possible approaches to the conduct of
interpersonal relations. The first is to
consider one’s self only and ride roughshod over others…The second is always to
put others before one’s self. The third
approach is the golden mean…The individual places himself first, but takes
others into account.”
I constantly see people doing all these and most of them are
doing it the wrong way. The third
approach is definitely the best way.
Just be respectful of them and where they are in the scheme of
Follow the 10 Laws of
A good example of this would be that two people went to a
restaurant and one of them ordered something from the menu. Well when the dish came it was not what he
ordered. He said nothing but complained
to his dinner mate and ate it anyway.
This is a Nonassertive approach.
The aggressive behavior is that the person makes an
embarrassing scene and let’s everyone know how unhappy they are with the
waiter/waitresses service. The person
calls them names and while doing all this they also raise their voice. The dinner partner and the other customers
feel embarrassed about the whole episode.
The correct way and the assertive way would be to make a
motion to the water/waitress to come to the table. When they come to the table they should
quietly tell the waitress/waiter that they did not order that dish and that
they would like the dish that they did order.
What Is Body Language and What Does It Have To Do With
Not many people are aware of their body language and what
they are conveying to the other person in a relationship. First let us get it right what constitutes a
relationship. It can be a parent and/or
a child and you, a co-worker and you, a preacher and you, your boss and you,
anyone that you are in contact with or have a conversation with can be a
relationship. It can also be someone
like a telemarketer and you. The minute
that someone else is in your view or listening area that is when a relationship
·Eye Contact, look the other person in the eye as
·Body Posture, Rigid and tight are not what you
want to display
·Personal Space/Physical, Contact How far do they stand from you and how far do
you want to be from them
Do hand movement bother you or do they seem to bother the other person.
·Facial Expressions, This is a big one because
most of us do not realize that we have or are making facial expressions.
·Tone of Voice, This can also be used on the
·Flow of words and conversation. Be smooth and
flowing with your speech. Stuttering and
or inconsistency in your flow of words and thoughts can tell the other person
that you are not confident and give them a change to override you
Right then is perfect, but you can go back when you have your thoughts
better formulated later
Actively listening to their side without interruption is a good thing to
·Attitudes of Thought, Remember how you are thinking and how you are
·Forthright. Tell it straight up how you are
Practice looking in the mirror at seeing what kinds of
facial expressions that you are showing.
Practice thinking positively.
THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS.
Growing Into The Assertive Person Through Experiences
Un-learning and re-learning is utmost import for self and
growing into a responsible adult. Most
of us have been taught things that are not positive or that have become
obsolete due to our ever changing world.
Experiences and people and our very being have changed as we have
progressed in our lives. Up to this
point we may have been doing things just because we were told to do them as we
were children. Here is a simple list to
start you growing in new ways and to foster more assertive behavior.
When was the last time that you
1.Played in a new sport or game with others
2.Allowed for a different view of your beliefs;
political or religious or other
3.Started a new hobby
4.Researched another culture different from yours
5.Paid attention to your thoughts for 15 or more
6.Cooked a new dish or went to an eatery with a
different food than your own
7.Sat and watched nature do her thing or watched
the sun set or rise
8.Walked down a main street in a different town
When was the last time that you
·Allowed yourself freedom to do what you want in
·Listened to the voices in your head
·Impulse buying an item
How recently have you
·Trusted you gut instinct even if everyone else
tells you that you are wrong
·Tried different approaches to old problems
·Expressed your opinions to others in a straight
·Used your brain to think things and situations
·Told others what religious belief you have
·Designed or made something totally on your own
·Admitted that you were/are wrong
These are some very good ways to get you to be more
assertive and with the other links in this series you will know the difference
between Assertive and Respect and Aggression and loss of respect.
What are you going to do now that you have this list?
“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding
Everyone has a different idea as to what peace should
be. What most do not understand is, just
like Einstein says, it cannot be brought by force. It also has to come from within you. Attitudes are actions but to change those
attitudes you have to change your thoughts.
Be more positive in your thoughts and you will begin to see that others
will change their attitudes towards you.
Everything that happens to you happens within your thoughts. Be careful what thoughts that you think. Be careful and mindful what emotions that you
put behind those thoughts. Practice,
practice, practice. Your thought may
wander into places you do not want them to go.
It is a cycle. Change the
cycle. The longer that you have been
thinking low of yourself or that you are not good enough the harder it will be
to change, but do not fear. You can
change the cycle and make it positive.
Practice changing your thoughts to more positive ones. People who have
acted in negative ways for a long time tend to think less of themself. They have abusive tendencies and have low
self-esteem. This self-defeating
behavior leads to negative feedback from others and then they become too self-critical
and the cycle starts all over again. You
must break that cycle and get off the merry-go-round. Turning your thoughts into positive ones will
bring positive feedback from others and then you have a better attitude towards
yourself which brings you a better idea of your self-worth. Then the peace can begin, within and without.
Keep practicing the positive thoughts about yourself.
The Straight Up About Anger
Everyone has anger at some point in their lives. Most believe that it is a behavior and some
Here are the facts about Anger:
Anger has many physiological parts. Anger is a feeling. Anger is universal in the human species.
Anger can cause heart disease and other coronary diseases if not allowed to express
it. Venting anger is very important
because it helps to resolve issues. The
method of expressing anger is very important.
Aggression only brings more aggression and does not lead to any
resolution of the issue. Anger is mostly
hurled at the ones we are the closest to hence the quote, “We always hurt the
ones we love”.
Here are some myths associated with anger:
Hitting pillows or bashing objects releases anger and
therefore deals with your anger. Men
have more anger than women. Some people
never get angry. Frustration causes
anger. An aggressive person is always an
angry person. Sports, working out
violence, or competitive work does release anger. Aggression is instinctual. Anger is sinful and destructive. Anger and
aggression are NOT the same things.
It is OK to let your anger out. The clincher is that you must follow up with
that anger and find a solution to your problem.
Running away is not an option. No one made you angry, but you. Learn
coping skills. See a counselor or talk
it out with a trusted friend.
Some Coping Skills To Deal With Anger
In the previous post I talked about anger. I gave you some facts and some myths. Now I am going to list some of those coping
skills so that you can begin to manage your anger.
1.Get a diary book and write down your anger, what
you were angry about and how you dealt with it.
2.Make a contract with yourself. Include in it promises and praises for your
3.Learn to ignore provocation.
4.Know you own buttons, your own body
language. Become Aware of your own body
5.Use Bio-feedback to relax and become able to
tune out your anger when you feel it arising in yourself.
6.Focus on what you are doing before you got
7.Leave the situation. Just walk away.
8.See the humor in the situation.
9.Find more positive ways to deal with probable
volatile situations and people
10.Be rational and do not listen to the myth that
the world should be fair.
I hope these help you in finding new ways of dealing with
old issues and anger management.